I'm Hoping You Think This Post Is Okay . . .

I've been thinking about confidence lately.  There's nothing like starting a new job to make a person feel insecure about, well, everything.  I came home the other night after a looooong day in court in which everything out of my mouth sounded, to my ears, like Jessica Simpson debating herself about chicken and tuna.

Seriously, at one point I had to look at the judge and say, "Never mind."  Because what I was starting to say was so stupid that it simply could not be salvaged in any way.

So I thought I'd seek a little comfort in my husband, who also happens to be the best attorney I know. I asked him, "Have you ever done something in court that was really stupid and you were embarassed?"

He said, "Oh, I'm sure I have."

Me:  "So tell me about it.

Him:  "Well . . . there was that one time that I lost that argument, but I was actually right.  It was the judge that was stupid."

And that, my friends, was it.  That was as close as he could come to an embarassing moment in court.  He was shocked that this didn't make me feel better.  His advice was "just be confident, and people will be more likely to think you are right."

I know he's right, but man, is that ever hard.  I see people who seem to just stride through life, putting off vibes of "I am the bomb-diggity, so why don't you just do me a solid and acknowledge my superiority" and I have to wonder -- do those people really feel that way, or do they just act like it?

As a teenager, I always thought I'd magically get a big dose of self-confidence just be becoming a grown-up.  What I found, though, is that being a grown-up feels remarkably like being a teenager, just with better skin and more bills.  I still feel compelled to point out my mistakes, lest the world think I am too dumb to realize they are mistakes.  I still care tremendously how I'm perceived.  I still want to fit in and be liked, and still worry that I'm failing on both counts.

Maybe the wry self-deprecation isn't working for me.  Maybe I should quit telling the world that I'm old and fat and the worst violin player ever.  Maybe I should try harder to point out the things that make ME the bomb-diggity and not be so quick to point out my flaws.  Maybe if I just pretend that I am one of those cool kids who never loses sleep over what the world thinks of me, I will actually BECOME one of those cool kids.  Like, for real.

Or, at least, the world will THINK I'm one of those cool kids.  Which is really the same thing.

Stuff I've Been Doing

I don't know what in the holy heck happened, but I just turned 'round and it had been AGES since I wrote anything on the poor neglected blog.

Here's what's been happening:

1. Penny went for one of her unauthorized races around the neighborhood and got herself smooshed by a car.  There were a few days there that were pretty rough, but she's finally back to her normal, actin'-a-fool self.  She's now the most expensive rescue dog ever.   I suspect that she might actually be bionic.

2.   I turned 39.  Let's never speak of this again 'mkay?

3.  I briefly considered dropping out of the newly-formed community orchestra I play in because the music is SO BLASTED HARD.  However, I decided on a new strategy.  I play the first note of each measure, aim for the last note, and do a bunch of swirly-bow-arm moves in between.  It seems to be going better now.

4. I saw the season finales of Glee, The Walking Dead, and Pretty Little Liars.  I'm available at any time if you want to discuss whether Quinn will survive, who the freaky chick was with the armless zombies, and if Mona acted alone.

5. I had my first new-job case involving illicit drugs up someone's butt.  I feel like  full-fledged public defender again.

I now you're terribly afraid of missing out on such excitement again, so I will be sure to post more regularly from here on out.