On Cheating on My Blog

That damn Facebook. I resisted for so long, even after creating my profile, and just recently I've gotten hooked. Now I find myself thinking in Facebook-speak:

Kara Lewis is watching TV.

Kara Lewis is blogging.

Kara Lewis is wondering why she didn't eat some chocolate cake earlier.

Kara Lewis is wishing it was Friday already.

Kara Lewis is ready for bed.

Kara Lewis is going to bed now.

Kara Lewis is really going this time.

You get the idea. Aside from being just generally annoying, such thoughts make me think I am channeling Bob Dole, which is just scary.

Can a Girl Get a Break Around Here?

I tell you what, it is definitely Monday around here, at least it was between 5:30 and 7:00. First, I had a terrible violin lesson -- I swear, sometimes I think my teacher thinks I am playing badly just to annoy her. That is NOT the case; I would, in fact, love to be able to play double stops AND vibrato EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME, but it does not yet seem to be in the cards for me.

Second, I experienced the ultimate Weight Watcher tragedy -- I GAINED .4 pounds this week. Combined with my stunning loss last week of .4 pounds, it seems that in the past two weeks I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Okay, I'm taking deep breaths now.

On a happier note, on this day just 39 years ago, a teeny little baby was born, and wouldn't you know? He was just destined to "come live with me and be my love."

Happy Birthday, Todd! (Even if it IS Monday.)

A Distinguished Guest Blogger . . .

Hello everyone out there in that crazy world-wide-web place. It’s me, Todd. I appear in this blog as a character occasionally. I’ve now been asked to appear as a special guest blogger. I like to be short, and to the point. Therefore, here are my guest observations:

Sara Palin: Ruined the word “vacuous”

John McCain: Who?

Barack Obama: Pretty cool. Smart. Kinda nerdy

Joe Biden: Uhm, clean?

Jennifer Moore: No idea. She’s the head of the Kentucky Democratic Party, and clearly did something to piss off that guy at pageonekentucky.com. Thought she deserved an honorable mention.

Daniel Lewis: OK, I was thinking about that red-head guy from Band of Brothers, and now “Life”—but it also happens to be my brother’s name. Both pretty cool. Not the Last of the Mohicans (he had a cool name, then put the word “Day” in as some kind of consonant middle name. A marketing ploy in other words).

Junk food: Pure evil. Evildoers brought this evil evildom upon us.

Wheat bread: Cool. Mavericky, even. Also Clif Bars. I can live entire weekends on Clif Bars.

Flyfishing: It’s actually fun. Makes the phrase “high class fishing” not a contradiction in terms. Will not, however, lead to “an understanding of life,” or cure mid-life crises. I will not write a book about it.

YMCA: OK song, even better place. Even if you’re not a Christian, or a young man.

Flyleaf:This is a band my “Little Brother” introduced me to. I don’t get it, find it a little scary, and so that makes me an old dude.

Kara: My wife. Great lady. Way hipper than me, as you can tell.

That is all, and thank you for your support.

We're Scraping the Bottom of the Post Barrel, Folks

Lordy, lord, great googly moogly, etc., etc. I am POOPED. I'm telling you -- plumb-TUCKERED!

This has been one long week. I've had church meetings three nights, and a fantastically-expensive-face-care-product party tonight. AND tomorrow night I'm cooking a birthday dinner for my dad, AND I have to work Saturday, AND I have plans with Little on Sunday.

So, while I had been pondering a nice, thoughtful post about how we all have special gifts and how we use those gifts to enrich one another's lives, I'm just too dad-gumbed tired to think about any gifts right now.

Instead, you get this mildly amusing tidbit:

Tuesday night, at one of the church meetings, we listened to a presentation on how to attract new members to the church. It was actually a pretty fun presentation; he suggested a nickname, HBPres.net, rather than our actual church name, Harvey Browne Memorial Presbyterian Church. And he told us about a bumper sticker campaign, with some suggested bumper stickers.

They were all nice and light-hearted; for example, "Feel Good: HBPres.net" and "No Steeple, Good People: HBPres.net" (my church doesn't have a steeple, get it?).

Another odd little physical fact about my church is that the main entrance doesn't face the street, instead, it's around the back, facing the parking lot. So, he suggested the following bumper sticker:

"HBPres.net: Our back door's our front door."

I have maybe been hanging around the courthouse too long, because that has a decidedly non-churchy connotation to me.

(And Mother, if you don't get it, I'm not explaining this one!)

You Know You Would Have Your Own List, Too

I volunteered to work on a concert that is coming to my church, and I'm in charge of supplying and setting up the "green room" for the musicians. For some reason, this seems totally cool to me. They gave a list of their requirements for the room, and it's pretty reasonable; it includes things like bottled water, fruit juices, veggies and hummus, and precisely two 70% dark chocolate bars.

So, anyway, this got me thinking about what I will demand in my own green room when I am touring with the Led Zeppelin cover band, because, you know, it's never to early to hammer out such details.

Here's the list I have so far:

1. Canned diet cokes, iced down, with cups and crushed ice
2. Bagel Bites, three-cheese variety, slightly overcooked
3. Brownies, fudgy type, with dark chocolate chips
4. One pitcher of beer-ritas, on the rocks, with salt
5. "Everything" flatbread, with Capriole goat cheese
6. Mini ham and cheese quiches
7. One large fleece blanket
8. Assorted magazines (Rachel Ray, Martha Stewart, Eating Well, etc.)
9. Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs, seasons one through seven
10. One de-clawed cat who likes to be petted and doesn't bite

Yep, I think that would make for one quite cozy green room. Actually, I could just live in such a room if it had maid service as well.

I Said Some Days Would Be Better Than Others

Look! A joke to distract you from my lack of blogging material:

Why do elephants wear sandals?

So they don't sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their heads in the sand?

To look for elephants who forgot their sandals.

Reflections on the Ky State Fair

Oh, Kentucky State Fair, how I love you. You come around every year, faithfully, and give me new things to think about. Here's this year's Top Ten:

1. Whoever's idea it was to shut down the MAIN GATE to the fair at 5:00 p.m. on what would probably be the busiest day of the whole shebang is going straight to hell. I am so not kidding.

2. Bunnies are universally cute, but ANGORA bunnies -- with their slightly disheveled, prom-queen-the-day-after look -- are the absolute cutest.

3. Some people, although they deserve at least an Honorable Mention for their Caramel Banana Jam and their Tawny Port Wine Jelly, AND their fair isle knitted Christmas stocking, get nothing, and that is sad.

4. Other people, who sweep ALL the jam and jelly and fruit and vegetable categories, might want to give someone else a chance at some point. And I don't care what the rules say, if your address is Charlestown, INDIANA, you might REALLY want to step aside.

5. While we're on the subject of Christmas, I have seen what I want from Santa next year, and it is a Nigerian Dwarf Goat. I will love it and pet it and call it George.

6. In some parts of the state, mullets are still in, as are mohawks.

7. Babies, by which I mean those folk under the age at which they can stand unassisted, really should not be at loud beer tents, performing their first table dance to "Brown Eyed Girl" at 11:00 p.m. Nor should they be encouraged to raise their tiny little fists in the air to ANY tune by Hank Williams, Jr.

8. If I can see your ass poking out from under your clothing, and you are standing straight up, you are not wearing a skirt. That is a belt.

9. Gold lame dresses and gold high heels are NEVER appropriate for a state fair. On the other hand, RED COWBOY BOOTS have been confirmed to be most fashionable, even in August with a mini-skirt.

10. I'm serious about the cowboy boots.

Monday Recap

I don't mean to brag, but I had a great weekend.

After Todd finished a stressful trial on Friday (which he won, by the way), we IMMEDIATELY headed out of town to Carter Caves State Resort Park. People kept asking me where Carter Caves is, to which I could really only reply, " . . . um . . . East, sort of," and East it is.

Friday night we indulged in lots of snacks from Whole Foods, a dinner that I always think is going to be economical, and never is, but is always tasty. Then we went to bed and DIDN'T SET THE ALARM.

Scary, I know.

Amazingly, we didn't sleep ALL day on Saturday, and managed to work in a cave tour (doncha just love caves?), some serious laying by the pool (for me), a mountain bike ride (for Todd), an incredibly fattening dinner, miniature golf (Todd won, but I let him), and a lovely moonlit walk.

Whew!

You might think that Sunday we had used up all our activities, but no! Sunday brought horseback riding, a leisurely drive home, strawberry picking, then strawberry freezing and dehydrating.

I admit, I approached Monday with a bit of trepidation after all that fun, but Monday managed to redeem itself when I settled the icky trial I was going to be starting, and had my first violin lesson in two years, which didn't suck ONE BIT.

All in all, this weekend, it was good to be a Lewis.

Hey! What's That in Your Pants?

Sometimes I find things to be funny that really aren't that funny.

Grammar, for instance. And making up words. Today a friend and I were laughing about the time she used the word "agreeance" (as in, you and I feel the same way about something, so we are in agreeance), and I thought it was kind of funny, until I realized she was SERIOUS and then it was just hysterical.

And my oldest niece, when she was younger, really liked to go shopping for clothes, and she would occasionally pick up a single article of clothing, like a shirt or a jacket or something, and say, "this is a cute clo."

Get it? Because "clo" would be the singular of the plural word "clo(th)es?"

And tonight, Todd and I had dinner at one of our favorite neighborhood haunts, Fat Jimmy's Pizza. As we were walking out, I noticed a crayon drawing of a pizza that a kid had done, stuck up on the wall, with the caption boldly proclaiming, "Fat Jimmy's Rule!"

Get it? Like the place is named for a bunch of Jimmies, all of them fat? Hilarious!

But then sometimes, I don't think things are nearly as funny as other people do. Today, in the conference room, one of the other prosecutors was handling a shoplifting case, and they were discussing the issue of restitution. The grocery store guy was explaining how they were owed restitution because they couldn't resell the items once they had crossed the threshold of the store door.

Trying to be helpful, I interjected, "Yeah, no one wants meat that's been in someone's pants."

And the room erupted.

Seriously, people, I was talking about steaks. What THEY were thinking, I just don't know.

Festive Friday Fripperies

My office-mate, Liza, rolled this out last week after a year-long hiatus:

Click here! You know you want to!

We had much fun with this last year, and it did not disappoint for 2007.

Consider it an early Christmas present, from Around the Subject to you.

A Recipe in Lieu of Scary Pictures

Well, Halloween has come and gone and I have nary a picture to show for it. It's not my fault, really -- I whipped out the camera as soon as Maddie was suited up (a witch with pink hair) only to remember that the batteries had been removed to power the GPS on our last ill-fated canoe trip (don't ask).

So, just take my word for it. Maddie looked stunningly scary. (I really think the whole no-teeth thing added to the effect.) We had our annual Eat Chili/Pass Out Candy/Walk on Hillcrest get-together and it was a rousing success.

When Todd and I moved in together in early October of 2003, we had no idea that we were moving to Louisville's Halloween Mecca. The Disneyworld, if you will, of Halloween. We are just around the corner from Hillcrest Avenue, where people go ALL THE HELL OUT for this holiday.

Seriously -- you think you are in the spirit because you carved a pumpkin? You got nothin' on these people. Giant inflateables, cobwebs everywhere, yards transformed to graveyards, you name it, Hillcrest's got it. My favorite this year was the house which had a giant screen showing The Wizard of Oz while they played "Dark Side of the Moon." (Since I've always wanted to test out that urban legend, I was so tempted to stand there and watch the whole thing.) And of course, the brass band is always a favorite. (I remember the first year, I thought that a bunch of people had decided to go to a party dressed up as orchestra members, which makes for a very boring Halloween costume, but definitely adds something to the whole event.)

We handed out candy with a vengeance. We always start out slow, giving just a piece or two to each kid, then when it gets late and I start to panic about the house being perpetually filled with Nerds and Laffy Taffy, I start hurling it out the door in handfulls. At the very end, Todd and Maddie were out in the street overflowing the poor kids' bags with everything we had left.

This year I expanded the inside-the-house offerings to three different kinds of chili, almost like a chili cook-off for myself. I didn't take a vote, but if I had, I think the white chili would have been the hands-down winner. And since I actually tried very hard to remember what I was dumping in the pot, I can pass it along! I hesitate to actually call this a recipe, because the amounts are all approximate, but I think it would be pretty hard to mess up. AND, it would totally be a good way to use up leftover turkey, so consider it a late Halloween and early Thanksgiving present from me to you.

WHITE CHILI

2-3 cups of cooked chicken (or turkey!), diced or shredded
1 big ginormous onion, diced
2-4 cups chicken broth
2 cans of chopped green chilis
1 can green enchilada sauce
a dash or two of hot sauce
Oregano and ground cumin (I just dumped in a handfull or so of each, kind of heavy on the cumin because I like it a lot.)
5 or 6 cans of white beans, UNdrained
1 cup of salsa

Saute the onion in a bit of oil or butter until soft. Add the oregano and cumin and saute a couple of minutes more. Dump all the rest of the ingredients in and simmer for at least 30 minutes or so to let all the flavors blend together. (Mine was a bit soupier than I like, so next time I'll go lighter on the broth, but I like chili to be REALLY thick.)

Garnish with shredded cheese, crackers or crumbled tortilla chips, sour cream, and salsa.

Last-Minute Friday Fripperies

Okay, I know I just posted (see below), but this is the funniest thing I have seen in the longest.

Click here!

Click on the link, then click to play the video. You will NOT be sorry.

Friday Fripperies Go Thoughtful

Have you ever gotten one of those oh-so-sappy e-cards, for your birthday or some such event? If so, I bet it wasn't this one:



HA! I love it! E-cards that are actually cool. Actually, I saw a sort of cool Halloween one at the Kentucky Prosecutor's Conference which simulated having a stalker. Creepy, but cool. (I'm sort of annoyed that no one's ever taken the time to stalk me. What, am I not stalker-worthy?) I don't know where that one came from, but this site is my new favorite place for e-cards.

I should send this one to my office-mate who took the LSAT a few months ago:


Hell, I should send this one to just about everyone I know:



I'll just chalk these up as yet another thing I wish I'd thought of first. Happy sending, everybody!

Friday Fripperies Go Yellow!

Friday fripperies return today (even though it's still a little bit of Thursday as I'm writing this) with this bit of fun stuff:

Simpsonize me!

I happen to be married to a big-time Simpsons fan, so much so that we just HAD to eat at Burger King while on vacation. (He said it was because all the other restaurants in that town looked "sketchy," but I don't think I believe him.)

Here's the lovely mister, a la Homer:





And me!:




Fun stuff, that. Happy Friday!

Very Surreptitious Friday Fripperies

Hello? Is it safe?

(creeping on tip-toe into the blog)

(whisper) Okay, I'm still pretty afraid to be here right now, what with all the spoilers, but wanted to pop in for some Friday Fripperies.

In anticipation of all the reading let-down after this weekend, I've been playing around with the What Should I Read Next site. Kind of fun, and has given me some suggestions of books I hadn't heard of before, which I take as a good sign.

Oh, and for those of you actually in Louisville (not you terrible horrible comment-spammers who have been dropping in lately -- I KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I'VE LEARNED HOW TO DELETE COMMENTS!) I just have to note that Hedwig and the Angry Inch will be at Actors Theatre, September 11-30. When a friend of mine left me a note at work about this, I think I actually squealed. I ADORE this movie, and listen to the soundtrack at least once a week. (Todd and I tried desperately to think of a song from it that we could play at our wedding reception, but I couldn't come up with one that I could listen to in the same room with my mother.) I am SO tempted to buy a Hedwig wig for the occasion.

Happy Friday!

Warming the Cockles of Your Heart

Just a brief check-in; I'm in a (hopefully) super-quick trial today, but am also trying to be a more consistent blogger this week.

So . . . just to prove that not ALL animals are bad, I give you:

Otters Holding Hands

If this doesn't make you smile today, nothing will, and you probably need to get on some good drugs.

Friday Fripperies Get Personal

If you are someone who has known me for very long at all, you know there are at least two things that I can never resist (well, three, if you count Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns) -- home retail parties (think Tupperware, candles, Pampered Chef, etc.) and those Learn More About Your Friends e-mails that people send 'round periodically.

So when I got the blogiverse equivalent of one of those e-mails, challenging me to a little two-by-two action (how's that for yet another exciting search term possibility?), I couldn't resist.

So . . . here goes:

Two Names You Go By:
1. Kara -- because that's what my mom named me!
2. Madame Prosecutor -- when Louisville's own Wacky Wiccan Judge is on the bench.

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Black Mary Jane Danskos -- the most comfortable shoe in the universe.
2. Fish-netty black cardigan -- if I just painted my fingernails black, I'd look like Louisville's own Wacky Wiccan Prosecutor!

Two Things You Want in a Relationship
1. Challenge -- I've never enjoyed conversations -- okay, arguments -- with anyone as much as with my husband, who is smarter than me on almost every subject. (I say almost, because he is woefully ignorant about all things Buffy.)
2. Comfort -- It's amazing to have someone whose job it is to always be on your side!

Two of Your Favorite Things to Do
1. Lay (lie? who knows, really?) on the couch with a new, really long book (the new Harry Potter, for instance, which I would have already reserved if only I could figure out which Snape sticker I want. Snape -- friend or foe? Again, I say, who knows, really?)
2. Go on long drives in hokey little towns with my husband. Except to Eminence. Eighteen years in that hokey little town was plenty.

Two Things You Want Very Badly at This Moment
1. The ability to orb myself home.
2. Red cowboy boots. I'm gonna just keep sayin' it until I get 'em.

Two Pets You Have or Had
1. Sam the Best Dog Ever -- rescued from the Humane Society about three years ago, and an integral part of the household.
2. Penny the Wonder Puppy -- rescued in March from the pound, and has already survived a life-threatening illness and her first camping trip.

Two People Who Will Fill This Out First
1. Kelley. The only person besides Jennifer who I know reads this blog and actually has one herself.
2. My mom, from whom I inherited the love of e-mail quizzes.

Two Things You Did Last Night
1. Made chicken tacos for dinner.
2. Sorted through my new stack of library books, trying to decide what to read first.

Name Two Chores That You Do Not Like Doing
1. Laundry -- it involves going to the basement, which I despise. One time falling down those steps was enough for me, thank you.
2. Cleaning the bathroom -- really, does anyone REALLY like this? Ew.

Two Things You Ate Today
1. Bran cereal with raisins. Boy howdy, I know you are jealous of that one.
2. Beer. (At least, I'm planning to, right after work.) It's Friday, and yes, Beer Is Food.

Two People You Talked to Last
1. My office-mate, Liza
2. My lovely husband

Two Things You are Doing Tomorrow
1. Working in the Domestic Violence Intake Center. Good time, that.
2. Relaxing, and maybe watching a movie. Because I'm old, and I need to relax on Saturday night.

Two Favorite Holidays
1. Christmas. It's too stressful and too much work, and I SOLEMNLY SWEAR I WILL NEVER ATTEMPT TO HAND-KNIT GIFTS FOR MY ENTIRE FAMILY AGAIN, but I love it!
2. March, or The Lewis Family Birthday Stretch-Out Month. A holiday just for my own little household.

Two Favorite Beverages
1. Mojitos . Mint and sugar cane, what's not to love?
2. Diet Coke. Some things are just classic.

Friday Fripperies Gone Wild!

Oh, dear.

This little tidbit has just made my morning:

Creation Museum's 'Adam' shared sex exploits online

Seriously, people. Could the irony get any better? I think not. The lead-in sentence ("The man who portrays Adam for a museum based on the Bible's version of history led quite a different life outside the Garden of Eden . . .") just slays me -- SLAYS ME, I tell you!

And, just when you thought it was safe to be interrupted again, I give you . . .

Interrupting Starfish! (cue ominous music)

Me: Knock Knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Interrupting starfish.
You: Interrup-
Me (interrupting): *smack open palm in B's face*

I haven't gotten up the nerve to actually try this one on somebody, but it's making me giggle nonetheless.

Todd and I are taking Maddie for her first camping trip on Saturday night. Expect a full report on Monday.

Friday Fripperies, Part Two

WARNING! FOR DEMOCRATS ONLY!

Check this out.

(Hint: Use your mouse if George gets stuck!)

Friday Fripperies

In honor of it FINALLY being Friday (and a long weekend coming up, even), I give you my very, very favorite jokes. As a bonus, it's actually a trilogy.

These are not the best jokes to read, but I promise you, actually telling them is more fun than you can imagine. Just remembering the look on Todd's face when I told him the last one gives me a serious case of the giggles.

Okay, so it was way more fun for me to tell than for him to hear. Just tell 'em to somebody, you won't be sorry!

Joke #1
Me: Knock knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Interrupting Cow
You: Inter...
Me (interrupting before you can finish saying your line): MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Joke #2
Me: Knock knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Confused chicken
You: Confused chi...
Me (interrupting): Moo!

Joke #3
Me: Knock knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Interrupting giraffe.
You: Interrupting gira-
Me(interrupting): (Leans in very close and stares.)

Go forth and spread laughter!