Thursday, July 19, 2007

Guest Post From My Inner 12-Year Old

Ack. Just Ack, and Harumph, too.

I'm sitting here, utterly terrified to go beyond my own blog into the wilds of the internet for fear of accidentally reading Harry Potter spoilers, which have already leaked, you know.

Shoot, now that I think about it, I'm really quite afraid that some rogue Harry-hater might leave a random comment on my blog telling me the ending.

People, I would cry.

My current plan involves extremely limited news access until Midnight on Friday, at which time I will go to the Dirty Kroger by my house (the bookstores aren't safe, I tell you), buy the book, and STAY UP ALL NIGHT to finish it before Time magazine puts the ending on the cover or something crazy like that.

So, in honor of this occasion, I thought I would put forth my own predictions -- PREDICTIONS, mind you, which are very, very different from SPOILERS, in that I am not actually friends with J.K. Rowling and haven't read the leaked pages (which purportedly include a lurid sex scene with Harry and Ginny -- odd departure for Ms. Rowling, I must say).

While I haven't written a dissertation on ol' Harry or anything (and yes, I've heard of some who have), I have read them all several times and I do have a few predictions, all of which will likely be wrong.

1. Harry will die. I think it's necessary. And I'm actually okay with this; I think it's vastly preferrable to Harry having to give up his powers or pulling a Frodo and withdrawing completely from normal life.

2. Hagrid will die. This will make me cry, and I hate it, but it's what I think. I just love that big ol' lug.

3. Ron and Hermione will both live, stay together and likely name their first-born Harry.

4. Hogwarts will reopen, but Harry won't return as a student.

5. Petunia will be revealed as a very cowardly woman who nonetheless loved her sister very much and has acted accordingly. (No, I'm not sure what exactly that means, it's just a feeling I have.)

6. Voldemort will be finally and irrevocably vanquished, all Horcruxes destroyed, etc., etc. Evil snake guy, poo on you.

7. Snape. What to say about Snape? Interesting how the most unlikeable character in the whole series also turns out to be the key to everything. Like Harry, I hate him enough to believe that he is evil. But I can't believe that Dumbledore was that wrong. So I -- reluctantly -- have to say he will turn out to be good. Good in the slimiest, ickiest, nauseating-est way possible. Greasy, nasty GIT (one of my favorite British words ever) -- poo on you, too. Even if you are "good."

What a let-down this will be when it's all over. I will probably pop in tomorrow to post some Friday Fripperies, but otherwise, I am UNDERGROUND from this point on. Battoning down the hatches, burying my head in the sand, etc., etc.

Be careful out there, everybody.


Jonathan's Mommy said...

I really don't think Harry will die. I don't know why, really, just don't think he will. As I will NOT be reading the Harry Potter book Friday night PLEASE do not post any spoilers on this blog before I can read it!!

And if someone posts a spoiler as a comment, I will hate them with the fire of ten thousand suns.

Kelley said...

My brother said that the books are in at his store, and everyone is dying to just open the box and look at them. They would all lose their jobs if that happened for sure. I don't actually remember what happened in HP 1 - 5 and I never read 6 since Todd so kindly spoiled it for me. So I won't be reading 7 for a long time. I believe that for my first trick after I graduate, I will read all 7 back to back. Then I can hang out with the cool kids.

Bryan said...

Whats with the fucking whore knicksgrl0917? Fuck that bitch. As for the Harry Potter saga, I'm sad to be the one to spoil the excitement but I feel it is important for you to separate reality from the pages of a book. SPOILER: Harry is gay and finds himself attracted to a new student who, interestingly enough, is the reincarnation of Elvis. Harry is shot at from the grassy knoll and probed by aliens but lives just long enough to impart his sould to a doll who then goes on a rampage. Molymort is actually revealed to be Newt Gingrich. Enough said. He dies when someone summons good demons who eat him from the entrails out. He screams and most people laugh at him. Harry's friends form a cult and commit mas suicide on a random thursday when the paperboy is 15 mintues late, that being the sign of the time to catch the asteroid to Cleveland.

Sorry I had to do that. JBF

Bryan said...

Delete the BITCH knicksgrl0917!!!!!